“The most frequent commandment given in scripture is so simple, so plain: ‘do not be afraid.’ And it is so hard to practice, so hard to model, so hard to live.”
Thom Shuman, Occasional Sightings of the Gospel

I am most likely to shed my well-worn cloak of fear over Joel’s future when I take time to sit down and come into God’s presence. I take several deep breaths and repeat my centering words: maranatha, come Lord Jesus. Maranatha, come Lord Jesus. My racing heart decelerates, my breath slows, my scattered thoughts coalesce. I hear the furnace click on, the refrigerator whirr, a car drive by, the phone ring—but still I sit, attending to my breath. I repeat my centering words, maranatha, come Lord Jesus, until the outer sounds fall away and I find myself centered in a circle of quiet. A circle of peace. A circle of love.

Today, into the circle of quiet six words fall. Six concentric circles widen around the words which have fallen like pebbles into my pond of peace. The circles overlap one another, gently lap up against one another.

“I could get used to this.”

I sit with the words, letting my initial question—I could get used to what?—go. I’ve found that sitting and waiting is much more effective than thrashing around in my mind for the answer. The answer is there, waiting for me, coming from the same source as the initial statement. That place where my spirit and God’s Spirit meet in the silence.

It doesn’t take long. The answer floods up, overflows, surprises me with the sound of laughter:

I could get used to knowing that Joel loves his new home at Safe Haven Farms. I could get used to knowing that he’s making new friends at the farm. I could get used to knowing that gifts we never knew he possessed are being discovered every day. I could get used to being able to take off on mission trips or vacations without worrying about Joel’s schedule. I could get used to pursuing new dreams with Wally. I could get used to waking up in the morning with my Bible and journal and Barbara Brown Taylor instead of dispensing meds and searching for batteries for Joel’s tape player. I could get used to watching the seasons change through the windows of my new study at Cloudland. I could get used to churning out a chapter a day—one YA novel after another—while gazing out that window. I could get used to teaching college kids to meditate in the sun-filled meditation room Wally has been working so hard to complete. I could get used to being a spiritual director, taking others to this circle of quiet that holds such surprising and wonderful insights. I could get used to a lifestyle of prayer.

I could get used to not being afraid.